She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
