I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
