We're facebook friends in real life
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
