3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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