I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
