I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
