Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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