apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
