Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
