I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
