i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
