i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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