OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
