Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
