apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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