I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
