If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
