I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
