Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
