chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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