Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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