Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
