who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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