I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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