I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
