how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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