I CAN MOONWALK!
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
