he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
