I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
being pregnant is like rehab
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
