i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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