I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
