What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
