does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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