My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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