my phone needs a breathalizer
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
