But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
