Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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