I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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