Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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