if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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