I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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