Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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