Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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