when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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