Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
