Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
