Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
birth control should be required to get into college
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
