she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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