ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
