did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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